thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
