you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
