I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
