Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
