The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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