I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
