2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
