So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
