Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
