last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
