The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Do vagina's smell?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
