Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
