The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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