I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
