I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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