Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
