And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
