At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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