Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You pole danced in your parka.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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