Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
