i jhust puked up my retainher.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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