I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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