I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i now understand why vodka
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
