I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
