Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
