She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
