Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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