I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I didn't notice because vodka
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
