he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
