onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
