Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Boobs speak an international language.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
