Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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