I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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