What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
