the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
