I think I just saw someone hide a body.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
