My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
