i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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