What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
