New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
