they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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