I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
