Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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