Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
