Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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