I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
