Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
