My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize
