i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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