woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I checked into jail on foursquare
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
